poster:how to do,from:
how to do
So Suzie-Q, you've found a penis but you don't know how to use it. Well, lucky for you I have a penis and I have spent a good part of my life using it. The most important thing to remember is that the penis was specially designed by God to make your vagina feel good. Unfortunately, God did a shitty design job and he attached the penis to a man - so the chances of a penis making you feel good are infinitesimal.
While God did a lousy job where you're concerned, making the guy who owns the penis happy is as easy as Betty Crocker Brownies in a Pan. All you really have to do is look at it, talk about it or lightly graze it, and you've probably done a good enough job.
Let's make this clear right up front. If I was a woman I wouldn't go anywhere near a penis. I'd get myself dolled up real nice and find me a lipstick lesbian and a top of the line vibrator and never think about penises again. Better yet, if, by the grace of God, I turned out to be a lipstick lesbian, I would get myself a vibrator and a mirror and never leave my bedroom.
But you want to meet a nice guy and eventually you will be forced to deal with his penis so here's a diagram of a penis I found on the internet.
Whoa, that's no good. Unless you look like Joe Torre with tits you'll never see a penis like that, so let's not waste our time. Here's another diagram.
Sweet merciful crap! What the hell is that! It might be what's called an uncircumcised penis. If you see one of these, run like hell. It's filled with diseases and something called smegma and what the hell are you doing going out with a guy who doesn't have the common decency to get rid of his foreskin for you. What the hell is a corpus spongisum? It's fun to say but I'm pretty sure that my dick doesn't have one.
If you want it done right, do it yourself. That's Halle Berry posing with a life-size model of my penis that's housed at the Smithsonian Institute.
Seriously, though if you want to use a penis correctly, let's recall that lesson they taught us in health class back in Junior High. Who can forget the "Triangle of Sexual Pleasure"?
Friction: Your partner will undoubtedly have his preference, but don't be afraid to use your own judgement too. Provide said friction with your hand, oral cavity, or perhaps your breasts pressed together. This latter method might lead to what the kids call a "pearl necklace."
Lubrication: If you are actually interested in your partner, it may be possible that natural mucus lubrication is formed in your vaginal canals. In lieu of this, you might try any one of a number of commercial preparations. In a pinch, saliva can come in handy and it might appear that you are "hungry" for your partner. Finally, over-the-counter personal hygiene products such as hand lotions are a possibilty. Remember, never use shampoo, stick to the conditioner!
Privacy: Today's couples are not as concerned about the level of privacy required for the use of genitalia. This will depend on your own preference and blood alcohol level. For example, using one's hand under a table at McDonalds might be acceptable for some couples, but not for others - using ketchup as a lubricant makes this a "Happy Meal."
My favorite part of health class was always the films that provided "real life" examples. Uncle Melon has provided the following scenario for you to learn more about penises and vaginas and how they interact in polite society. I call it, Go, Genitalia. Go!
