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how to do
The most important thing to remember is that the vagina was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.
OK. Last night, I gave the babe I was with a few orgasms so she would fall asleep, or it could've been the roofies. I got a flashlight, paper and pencil and I drew this diagram for you. Then I prettied it up in Photoshop. Look at it closely. See that replica 1999 NY Yankees World Series ring? With that ring and $30 for frozen daquiris, all the mysteries of the vagina will be solved.
Put on the ring and your best threads and head uptown to Jimmy's Chicken Shack. Locate the best looking mamacita in the place, offer to buy her a drink and mention in an offhand way that you are Chuck Knoblach, former member of the World Champion New York Yankees. She'll respond with the standard, "Do you know Derek Jeter?" You tell her that you and Derek are best buds and that you're having dinner tomorrow night with him at Daniels and would she like to be your date. She will be yours. Wait 2 weeks and repeat. She will be yours again.
Important Parts
The Clitoris (rhymes with Deloris, and Lavoris)- also known as the man in the boat, the clit, the love button, the budgie's tongue and the magic button that will open her thighs. This is where you'll be expected to spend a significant part of the night, so bring ideas for killing time. One way is to try and guess the different smells. One might be her laundry detergent, another last night's dinner. Some women like humming at this point - and I hum "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and refer to it as the seventh inning stretch. I understand some women will actually orgasm upon clitoral contact. Please confirm in an email if this should happen to you.
Different Types of Vaginas
There are probably different types of vaginas but quite frankly who cares? Nobody has ever thrown a babe out of bed because her vagina wasn't cute. Once you've determined that there is, in fact, a vagina present, get the party started. There are however different ways of decorating the vagina. I found these helpful diagrams at the National Institute of Health.
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A Hairless Peach aka A Wood Floor
Go back and check her I.D. Its OK? You the man! |
Hitler's Moustache
Did you pick her up at a strip joint? No? She may be a professional. Be prepared to pay dearly or risk getting beat up by her pimp. |
Landing Strip
See Hitler's Moustache |
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Nicely Trimmed Triangle
A nice girl. She cares enough to keep it neat but she's not working her way through college by wiggling it in old guy's faces. |
The Oscar Gamble
You either love it or you hate it. I was raised on them so I just keep a box of dental floss next to the rubbers and dive in head first! |
This is the vagina of a "modern woman." Note the way the ovaries are flexing like a body builder, mocking you. Fortunately, as can plainly be seen, the canal is ribbed for your enjoyment. Discuss NPR, how much you respect women, and keep telling her you're not interested in sex right up until the point you cum inside her. Then get the hell out and watch Monday Night Football.
The hand. The most important thing to remember is that the hand was specially designed by God to make your penis feel good.
